【轻阅读，看世界】What was the one thing your therapist said to you that stuck with you?

铅笔英语，每晚睡前故事。

看世界人生百态，品人间真情冷暖。

多一种语言，多一个纬度，多一段故事。

I was about 20 and was having problems with my boyfriend. I went for free counseling at my university’s mental health facility.

The therapist asked me all kinds of questions about my family. I was a bit annoyed by this, because I went to talk about the hurt and anger I had with my boyfriend. I didn’t see how my family dynamics were related. (Silly me!)

At that time, my father was a high functioning alcoholic. We didn’t realize until several years later. We all just assumed that, yes, Dad drank a lot and he was a jerk all the time, but that was how he was. He never acted impaired. He didn’t fall down or slur his words.

The therapist asked about my older sister Jean, and I mentioned how she and my parents didn’t get along. I was “the good one.” Jean blamed me for that, even though she made no effort to get along with them or do what they wanted her to do. She wasn’t going to do silly things to please our parents like have a job, not smoke, get good grades, come home before curfew. Jean always said it was my fault that they loved me more than her. And I believed her. I idolized my sister. I was always trying to smooth things out for her and cover for her when she screwed up, even when we were little kids.

The therapist said, “You can’t make her do things. You can’t make her stop. She does the things she does because SHE CHOOSES to do them. You are not responsible for her behavior.”

Wow. The concept that other people are in charge of their own behavior just knocked me back. It was probably the best thing anyone ever said to me.

PS About four years later, my dad almost succeeded in destroying his liver. He spent weeks in the hospital and then in an alcoholic treatment facility, and stopped drinking for good. My mom and sister and I attended the week of family counseling they offered and learned a lot about ourselves and our family dynamic. It didn’t magically fix everything, but I’m glad we did it.